i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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