Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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