I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
