WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
