You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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