You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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