Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
