you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
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It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize