i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
