anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
