It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
