omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
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