how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
