So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
We have so much sex to catch up on
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Randomize
