found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
