So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Randomize
