Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
