it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
