Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
