i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
