I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
