Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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