Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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