Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
he shaved USA in his pubs
home. puking in laundry basket.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
