dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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