Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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