$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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