a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
so that wasnt chicken after all
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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