True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
