I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Come see our sink grown plant.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
