Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
