The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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