you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
