You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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