Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
