Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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