Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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