WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
