Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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