oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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