He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
