it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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