I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
