I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
did i walk over a car last night?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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