I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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