I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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