Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
