For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
