So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
