when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
My vagina just clenched in fear