Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"