i think my tv is drunk
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
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