some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
