he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
