My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
