Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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