Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
